How worthy are you?

How worthy are you? Have you ever asked yourself that? If you did, what was your answer?

The truth is in our asia culture we are always asked to 'look down' ourself for we have to be humble. And the problem about this whole issue is we tend to over-practise it. Fake it and you believe it!

My answer to the above question has always been 'not very worthy' or rather 'not worthy' and I always believe it is cos of my 'chinese thinking' but as I was talking to a few of my galfriends these days I realised it's not. They are all pretty 'ang mo' but yet they really really don't take pride in themselves ( at least I leave myself dinity).

And I discovered the answer to all our problems. And the answer lies in the question 'How worthy are you (to yourself)'? Will you love yourself if you lose your job? Flunked your exams? Can you still love yourself when your beloved boyfriend decided to walk out of your lousy life? Can you embraced yourself when you are fat and ugly? The list can go on but the bottomline is who are you (to yourself)? Are you your job, your exam, your boyfriend, your life, your body, your face? Admit it! You are all of the above and losing any one of them marks you a loser. But is this for real? Will losing your job be equivalent to losing yourself? Or your lousy boyfriend ( my principle -- a guy who can't appreciate me loses a gold mine...)?

This is also a new concept to me. But I am constantly trying to remind myself to grasp it. I am not my job, my boyfriend nor my body. And as long as I do not let myself down, I fight on. Losing any of the above might mean gaining better grounds. So fight on and ask yourself 'Who are you?'.

What Is Your Greatest Fear?

The thought of this question brought intense fear. Firstly I realised I have many fears. My daily life is a daily battle with fear. Secondly and more importantly I discovered I have a hard time finding that fear, that greatest fear. All the fears seem to be the one...

So spare me a few days to sort things out and in the meantime -- What is your greatest fear?

Creep

Creep
When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel,your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather,in a beautiful world I wish I was special, you're so fucking special.But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.What the hell am I doing here?I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body,I want a perfect soul.I want you to notice,when I'm not around. You're so fucking special,I wish I was special.But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.What the hell am I doing here?.I don't belong hereShe's running out the door, she's running, she run, run, run, run, run.Whatever makes you happy,whatever you want. You're so fucking special,I wish I was special,but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.What the hell am I doing here?I don't belong here,I don't belong here.
SONG INFORMATION
Released:
February 1993
Found on:
Pablo Honey & Creep single and reissue. Live version found on Pop is Dead single and acoustic version found on My Iron Lung EP.
The big hit single. When it was first released, Radio 1 found it too depressing, and so after been aired only twice it was taken off the station's playlist. The song has been analyzed by many people, and theories of what it's about range from Thom's terrifying childhood to Thom's deceasd wife. Thom, however, was not an abused child, and he's never had a wife. At certain shows, Thom offers a partial explanation of the song. Written while he was at Exeter, he says, it tells the tale of a drunken student who tries to get attention of a woman he's attracted to; in the end, he lacks the self-confidence to pull it off. The song has been released in a few versions: the original contains the word "fucking"; radio edit (on which the F-word is replaced by "very") appears on several compilations and is a bonus track on the American version of Pablo Honey.

I feel like a Mother

I guess most of you know I have a dog.

Boy, she really coloured my life. Guess my Mum too. Actually especially my Mum's.

And nowadays I find myself more unwilling than ever to go outdoors cos that will mean leaving her at home. Sometimes alone. And i question myself what kind of owners keep a dog and leave them alone at home. I feel bad when the answer is me.

Now I know how the mothers feel... I think I am not ready for that kind of experience.

P.S. : She has recently found a way to climb up our beds and leap off fearlessly. So today I found her cuddling up to me in the bed under the bedsheets...

Growing Pains

I am a sister of 2. Gage and Yilong. Both, I pray daily for. Both, I wish and hope, only experience happiness and joy.

But life is not a bed of roses. And I know no matter how much I wish and hope they will grow up and they will experience pain. But as a sister I should just let go graciously and allow this natural process...

So, Dong, Long, remember no matter how old you all get or how far you all are away from home or family just know that Mum and me are always 'here' for you. In my eyes, you all are just still and always will be those little rascals. And Mum and me will always love you...

The angels among us

I am starting on a very important blog about my Idol -- Gandi. He is my 'model'. So I am going to do some research before writing it.

I am in the midst of my research and it dawned on me that I have met a few 'Gandhi-like' people. One is my best-cum-very dear friend Wendy. Without her, I might have die like only 9 or 10 times. Another is a good-cum-beloved friend from Secondary School Lilian. Wendy is my ray of light and Lilian is the soft words that comes whenever I need them. In my working life, I have met Sulaima, my first Boss. I think I am quite an ok colleague and in my years of service I am still that same gal cos Sulaima whispered the golden rules to me. Thanks... And of course, there is Ivis. My guardian angel. I was lucky to meet her or else I will be very lost. And of course Pinto! He must be the magic harp that plays to heal the wounded. And last but not least, my brothers -- Gage and Yilong. My pride and joy!

All these people (I hope I have the time to write a blog on these individual people who have made a difference in my life) are the angels in my life. There are times in my life I feel life is not worth living. There are times in my life I feel like dying. There are times in my life I have no hope or happiness or spirit. There are also times when I resign to fate or when I wish to fight no more. These people helped me, inspired me, encouraged me and here I am writing again.

Praise the Lord for all these angels that He has sent!

It is your life

I was watching this hopeless Korean movie last night and there I realised this -- The decision is never ours but we always have the choice. What do I mean? I have never decide to be in a middle income family. I have never decide to be a mere 156cm. I have never decide to have my pretty ok figure to be more on the thin and boyish type rather than those shapely ones. But I choose to look good in my boyish figure anyway. Hee2...

I always believe -- we always have a choice. Might be a easy choice, a hard one or a bad one or a good one. But the choice is always ours.

There are people from broken families who do well, there are others who repeated that cycle. There are pretty gals who make it big but ugly ones too. The list can go on. But I hope everyone remembers if you are not happy with your lousy life then you better get off your butt and do something about it. Cos it is your life... Cos the choices are yours...

A Sudden Change Of Heart

Recently a friend I know briefly break up with her boyfriend. I was told she cried very hard. I got to know she is utterly heart-broken. Like my Mum describes -- it was like a flying ball that she never expected yet it hit her in the face. Ya it was a sudden change of heart. She didn't or rather never expect it. And her boyfriend was a darling. Perhaps perfect in every sense to her.

But this is what i have to say to her. Brat Pitt was perfect to me in every sense until he cheated on Jeniffer. Women, that is we always see what we choose to see. It's a by default feature in most women. If this is not an apprioriate example then look at Nicole Kidman. Her action spells her belief -- the perfect man who does not love me is not worth my tears.

I know what I am going to say will not make sense to you. Cos you have decided that this man, this perfect man has left you for no apparent reason and this shall be the reason that hurt. But I hope you have heard of this quote -- a bird in my hand is better than two birds in the bushes. And think about this, do you know a few good man? If you do, ask yourself why didn't it hurt that they don't love you?

Dried your tears,gal. He left you for a reason. Let him know it is not a reason, it is a mistake. Stand up and work for that look on his face!

Feeling sad will not make you feel better. Doing something for yourself ( now that you don't have a boyfriend to care for, you should have more time and attention for yourself. You are worth it. A million times more than a guy who didn't treasure you...). Choose to be happy.

Will and Grace

Another sitcom I caught in NY is 'Will and Grace'. In fact I make it a point to catch it every night. One particular features Karen leaving her old and feeble mother-in-law to Will. And she made one sentence (to Will) that caught my attention-- How Do You Expect To Change Your Life Without Changing Yourself?

Is that an answer to your many questions? Think about it.

The Romantic Movies

I was in New York recently. And one of the channels featured 'Along Came Polly' and '50 First Dates' back to back.

After watching both the movies, I felt very touched by the male leads' sincerity and love for the female leads. I really envy them and of course I wonder and question if they are for real. Will a guy who calculates and weighs all possibilities casts his carefulness for love? Will you ever love anyone enough to renew your love for love daily? Are those romantic movies created so that we can still believe and hope?(... maybe this is the one...) Or are they just reminders, just recollection of another's story?

And this brings me to ask if a man loves a woman will he continues to live his life or compromises so that their lives can 'tangle'. Is his compromising too much to ask? Is it unfair? So what izzit really -- to live as 2 individuals or to change and risk living like mirror images?

Of course the next question is is 'renewing' your love for that one woman daily too much to ask? Izzit?

I wonder...

Guess only God knows.

Live According to Your Standards

You are the Master of your life. And yes this is your life. So live according to your own standards.

What do you mean you may ask. For example, I have a friend A who will always leave her cutlery on the table when we go out to eat and in that particular group, there is another friend B who will have to put her cutlery on a piece of tissue. Cos of their different in habits, B will always tell A off for her lack of concern for hygience. A will always feel that she is rather 'dirty'. Yet she will always repeat her habit cos like I say it's her habit. And she will always feel bad whenever B is around. Cos she is not living according to her own standards.

There are times I feel unhappy, rather worthless. And it's not until I ran into this ya ya colleague of mine that I realised I have been feeling a certain way cos I am not living according to my standards. So Joey thanks again.

This is what happened : Joey was serving a cup of coffee when a few drops spilled over. She quickly wiped it off with her fingers but was stopped by our boss who changed the saucer for her. She complained to me during the break. She said, "I will not shortchanged my pax but do not ask me to serve them according to your style." I must say she is hardworking and well liked among the colleagues and pax so she really didn't shortchanged the pax nor made her colleagues work harder. She was just working according to her style, her own standards.

So next time when you feel down ask yourself, "Is this your standards or another's."

Hope you have a happy life!