Sand In My Shoes

I wrote this article once... When my spirits was tore and broken. My good pal then always said I was an angel with a broken wing. Then, I lived and strived on my sadness and brokeness. I was miserable but I guess that was my comfort zone. I was used to the pain. It is like an addiction. I know it's no good to me. I know it's killing me slowly but surely. But I need that pain, that agony, that helplessness...

Sand in my shoes... What can this be about?( I think most long-jump participants know this 'sand in my shoes' feeling.)

I used to be a 'long-jumper' in my primary school days. After practices, I will end up with at least 1/4 full of sand in my shoes. Normal people will remove the shoes and empty the shoes right? But guess I am pretty abnormal. I won't. I will just continue my daily life with these sand in my shoes. Attend lessons. Run after my bus,etc,etc. Then when I reach home, my Mum will watch in horror at the sand and asked me why didn't I remove it? Why? I don't know. My Mum says I am lazy. Perhaps. The act of removing the shoes, emptying it and put it on again tires me. I will rather live with the 1/4 full of sand. I am such a person. In all ways... incluing relationships.

Yup it is about relationships. About my love for a guy. A guy who broke my heart into thousand pieces and I broke his too. He was my sand in the shoes.

Daily, after he broke my heart, I stood around looking at the broken pieces, asking myself why, why,why did I leave him? In the beginnning I thought I would forget how to breathe. But I breathe daily. However I was sure I would die.At least I hope. I hope that I could sleep and never wake up again. Never to endure that pain and struggles again... Then the pain left and there were no more struggles. Time heals all wound. Or at least it appears. To the rest of the world, I have recovered. To them, I merely awaits the arrival of a best man. But is there anyone out there who understands? I do not want the best man, I merely want him, the bridegroom. For without anyone knowing, occasionally including myself, he was there, in my shoes. Causing me pain at the least expected moments. At the smell of the flowers, he sent me first time. At the places,we went to. At the songs that he played and sang... Actually at everything. He left footprints all over my life. But I kept the pain in my shoes.

If you are asking why didn't I empty my shoes again. Perhaps I could tell you I am lazy. I could tell you how difficult it was to remove shoes, emptied and put it on again. I could give you a million answers. But the one true answer is cos I love him... I was afraid if I lose the pain I will lose him too. So keeping the sand in my shoes is a better idea.

Why am I writing this now? My pal just broke up with her bf. I bet she has got sand in her shoes too. But I hope she would just remove the shoes and emptied it. Or else she might find removing embedded sand from her soles more painful. I know cos it happened to me...

Why Dawn?

I will be baptistied on 11Dec still I am sticking to the name 'Dawn'. Many advise and encourage a more saintly name. But I think Dawn suits me.

Dawn is the name I give myself at one of the darkest moments in my life ( beware not to say the darkest. Believe me the darkest has yet to come). To me, my name is a constant reminder that life goes on... Everyday, daily, without fail, there will be a dawn. Be that the day you lost your true love, the day you marry your true love or the very end of the world to you, when time comes, dawn comes. If you are down and out, if you are in the deepest pit, if you are in the smelliest drain, remember to pick yourself up, for this is another day, another dawn shall come... So if I Dawn should one day fall and just sit there and cry then I will deserve it when another Dawn comes and replaces me. Life goes on despite of all things. Believe me.

I called myself Dawn to tell myself to always go on...

So next time if you see me, remember I am Dawn not cos of the sunshine but cos of the darkness. And ya, before dawn comes, there will be the darkest moments. So don't shiver cos of the darkness but think of the light later. Wink, wink...

High by James Blunt

"High"

Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me.There is nothing else in the world,I'd rather wake up and see (with you).

Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again.Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.Do you remember the day when my journey began?Will you remember the end (of time)?

Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.High; running wild among all the stars above.Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?Promise me tomorrow starts with you,Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

My Dog 2

I used to own a poster of a big dog. The caption of this picture reads,' To you he is a dog but to him you are everything.'

Perhaps this is the 'joy' of having a dog. They always love you. In good times, in bad times, on good hair days, on bad hair days, in health or in sickness. They love you just the way you are -- short or tall, skinny or fat, pretty or ugly, they love you. You complete their lives. ( You feed them, you shower them, you groom them...) With them you never go out of the honeymoon period. They are always excited to meet you, they miss you constantly and they will forever shower you with the gifts they have for you. (e.g. their licks and kisses ) I think alot of gals are beginning to realise dogs live a marriage vow better than a man, any man...

But just before you dump your boyfriend and seek solace from a loving dog. There are a few things you have to remember. First God created Adam and Eve and not Doggie and Eve. For a reason and two perhaps. Man and women were created to live and wa la love each other (although at times this may look incredicible). Man were given traits to protect and care for women and similarly women were blessed with behaviour to support and love man. Dogs will have all the abilities to love us. But how do they protect (they do but you know I don't mean protection of that kind)? How do they communicate with us (they do but you know sometimes we do need conversations)? The list can go on. However instead of dumping your bf for a dog why not keep a dog with your bf? Learn to love someone together. Believe me there will be tonnes of things to learn together. You got to start somewhere you know.

Looking for a Girlfriend?

I was reading 'Her World' last night and was truly entertained by the article 'these men want to marry you'. Firstly I must say I understand why they are still single and available despite being a 'good catch'. One piece of advice I will give them if I ever see them ' Wake up your idea!'. Secondly when all women understands that men fall head over heels over pretty gals, men know what we go for too. However it's a 'in general' kind of thing. You know, in general, women like a knight in shining amour, a men who showers them with presents, a faithful parnter, finally a man who does his housekeeping,etc,etc. You do know it's an inexhautible list right.

You see when you are out there doing your hunting for galfriends, gals are doing the same thing. When you are listing down your many, many small requests, they are too. When you secretly cancel someone's name from your list you must know your name might have never exist in their list.

The problems abour relationships nowadays is that there are so many changes. Change in our attitudes, in our basic traits, our needs. But truthfully relationships are never too difficult ( saying this although I am struggling with me. But I do not worry. Cos I believe we have the basics jus doing some small repairs here and there. Hee2. Right, Mel?) . First you must know and understand in all relationships, it involves 2 persons therefore coupled with your attitudes, basic traits, needs, etc, there are the other party's too. Whatever that you are thinking, the other person might have thought about it too. If you feel angry about some things, she might too. If she gets on your nerves, you might too. Basically it boils down to lots of communication and sparing a thought for the other party. A relationship is not all about you nor her. It's about the 2 of you. If it's all about you or her, it won't work cos there are 2 sets of targets to meet in a 2 persons's game, fulfilling one does not help and most probably will harm the relationship. No one can be at the receiving end forever.

So if you are looking for a galfriend, start doing the right things. Communicate. And always spare a thought for her. And ask her to do the same thing.

Gook luck, guys!

This World Belongs To The Bitches

Ya, it's true.

They command attention, fear, respect and nowadays even admiration. Look at the judges for all the idol contests.

I experience this everyday at work. The ones who are mean, rude and demanding get what they want. We bow and smile and maybe even shiver a little when we see them. We go the extra mile and sometimes another 2 miles just in case they might complain again. Should we know that he dislike something, we will run to the nicest passenger and ask 'Do you mind, ...?', before he could huff and puff at us. The last question on our mind to ask him -- of course he minds. Never pay to be nice. If you want something from a service provider, just be the meanest, rudest and the most demanding one. Believe me, they might even sum up the service by saying 'Your wish is my command.' . Yes, you are right. They will curse you, maybe even make a voodoo doll of you. But come on, in this modern age, all these can't hurt you.

On the other hand, I might have this magic formula for a while but I merely hold it in my hand. Should the service providers be rude to me, inefficient to me, I will open my hand and do as it says. If not, I will smile and try to be that nicest customer of the day. You make my day, I will make yours. The best service in the world will not tempt me to join the bitches...

So you know your choices...

My Dog

I love dogs. Especially my own dogs, Lucky and Mocha.

I believe in the ideal world,perhaps in Heaven (cos all dogs go to Heaven!!!). Every child should grow up with a puppy. They will learn from each other, protect each other and be each other's guardian angels.

Why dogs? Cos they have such big hearts, such big capacity to love, ever-trusting,ever-forgiving and ever-loyal. The ways my dogs love me, esp. Lucky. For are times I just really really want to thank God for I know I don't deserve it.

And of course in that world, babies will not get astma from dogs or at least the in-laws will not think so. And Mums will allow dogs to sleep on the children's bed. (even if the child is 30...)

I can't change the way things are now but I hope when I have my children, they will get their puppies.

Pauline

Pauline. I believed that is my Mum's Christian Name. For a chinese speaking gal who came from Malaysia in the 60s, I could say my Mum is the 'modern' type.

For the longest time I ask myself why was my Mum there? I see her in better places. Than being a housewife. Than being my pre-occupied Dad's wife. Why?

When she decided to take a bow at her 28yrs of marriage, I realised it was cos of me, of my brothers, her children. For me I felt extremely gulity. I never once believe that I had anything to do with my parents' divorce but I have always felt responsible for their marriage. Cos of giving me life, my Dad was forced to marry my Mum. I believe my Mum wants to marry my Dad. Boy, she loves him. But I set her mind on it. I granted them the marriage licence. I created a fantasy for my Mum and perhaps 'the next step' for my Dad.

And in recent years I found out in horror that I am like her. So much like her. And the phrase from 'Joy Luck Club' surfaced -- we are like stairs. Always walking up and down but it's the same old stairs (something to that effect. You get the picture right?). I love my Mum and I believe we (my siblings and me) are strong in character and upright in tots cos of her. Cos of her participantion in our lives. She makes a difference in us. Chinese will say,' Aflame herself to give others light'. She didn't have a life. So that we could have ours...

To Anyone Who Knows Sim Chong Lim

To anyone who knows Sim Chong Lim. My Dad. My one and only Dad. That guy who contributed that single sperm accidently. (Only last year then I realised I was sort of born out of wedlock. Am I angry? Believe me, I was not. For once I thank God for 'accidents'. For in one of it I was created.) The person without whom I will be an illerate. The person without whom I might have died of hunger at 1 and maybe lack of medical care at 2. To keep it short and sweet, the person without whom I will be nothing.

My Dad didn't really participant in our lives. He has a simple role that is he is the provider. Can't say he did a good job. But he did provide. I disliked him most of my life cos he didn't love my Mum. Initially I tot it was just that. I was the noble daugther who was standing up for my Mum. Then after some turns of events, I realise it was more than that. Many times, perhaps a thousand or more, I wished he spent less time washing his hands or reading or perhaps memorising the newspapers (seriously sometimes I can't tell) and use that time to tell me'Don't sulk', 'Don't slouch', 'Never believe you don't have a choice' etc. Or just to spend more time with us. Just more time for me to love him...

I never really love him. It was only in recent years, most of the time, after some long trip, that I see him aging... Whenever I see that, my heart stirs. Only when he was totally out of reach then I realised that wasn't stiring. That was a pain...

So despite of some complaints that I filed above, will you guys out there who knows a guy called Sim Chong Lim,(60 this year, abandoned by his heartless wife and ungrateful children) tell him. His ungrateful daugther, Sim Chia Yen, does really love Him...

Pls do this for me guys, for the next time when I see him, I can only turn away...

What if God is among us?

Remember that song. Boy, I love it.

But that aside, what if God is among us? Then I will shut 'Praise The Lord'! And He is among us. He is in that bus driver who waited patiently at the bus stop when he viewed me running my 100 metres dash in his rear mirror. He is in my friend, BeiHong who offered her time to listen and to give me soft words of encouragement and advice. He is in my dog, Mocha who follows me in and out of the room like the best radar system and in her silent ways say 'I Love You for who you are'. He is in my big bro, Gage who despite being in BBK is still here for me. He is in my little bro, YiLong who in his ways say'Don't worry Jie, I am as clueless and as bu cha as you. (You bet your ass, I am the King of clueless and Bu Cha. For let me remind you you are 17, so it's ok. Still have time. Me 30. God pls grant me more time.) In my most gracious mother who sacifice her whole life since 21 for us. In my unforgiving Dad who has in his ways give his whole to us too. In that passenger who roared 'No Straits Times Again?' (Sir, I wish and I hope I could give birth to Straits Times. And believe me, for you I will endure the pain of newspaper birth. Cos that will be better than you, a pain in my ass. He is God but of course not to me. But I give him benefit of doubt, to someone he will be.) So you all see my point. He is among us! So Praise the Lord!

Clarification of 'Count Your Suffering'

Perhaps it was the hour. Perhaps it is my poor vocab. Quite a handful of people tell me thay beg to differ. But when they say why I realised I didn't really bring across what I wanted to express. When someone says ' Count your blessings', you probably mean acknowledging and agreeing that all the simple things and all that you take for granted are blessings. You readily list them and thank God for them. So when I said 'Count your sufferings', you do the same thing. You readily list them and thank God for them. How, you may ask. When you believe you have received so much blessings, so abundantly, so overflowing that you can say let me take on the sufferings. But beware! Many does it the wrong way. For example, the simple Catholic practise of the eating meat on Fri. Let me tell you, God will never want you to 'suffer'. Hence whenever you frown and sigh over your seafood and veg on Fri and mutter 'This one is for you, Lord!' Believe me, God wasn't delighted. This is one big bogger trap for the religious. Sometimes we just so blindly want to please Him. We practise this, we do that, we deprive ourselves of this and fast on that. At the end of the day, we are worshipping ourselves, pleasing ourselves, delighting ourselves. 'Suffer' for a cause and not for that 'feel good feeling'. ASk yourselves when you fast today what was gain? Was anything lost? Sometimes the most complex questions have the simplest answers. But are you ready for it? You might not have to swim deepest sea or climb the highest mountain to attain it. You might just have to bend your knees&bow your head and alas it's just there by your feet. So brace yourself for it. The simplest answers...