Pauline

Pauline. I believed that is my Mum's Christian Name. For a chinese speaking gal who came from Malaysia in the 60s, I could say my Mum is the 'modern' type.

For the longest time I ask myself why was my Mum there? I see her in better places. Than being a housewife. Than being my pre-occupied Dad's wife. Why?

When she decided to take a bow at her 28yrs of marriage, I realised it was cos of me, of my brothers, her children. For me I felt extremely gulity. I never once believe that I had anything to do with my parents' divorce but I have always felt responsible for their marriage. Cos of giving me life, my Dad was forced to marry my Mum. I believe my Mum wants to marry my Dad. Boy, she loves him. But I set her mind on it. I granted them the marriage licence. I created a fantasy for my Mum and perhaps 'the next step' for my Dad.

And in recent years I found out in horror that I am like her. So much like her. And the phrase from 'Joy Luck Club' surfaced -- we are like stairs. Always walking up and down but it's the same old stairs (something to that effect. You get the picture right?). I love my Mum and I believe we (my siblings and me) are strong in character and upright in tots cos of her. Cos of her participantion in our lives. She makes a difference in us. Chinese will say,' Aflame herself to give others light'. She didn't have a life. So that we could have ours...