Sand In My Shoes

I wrote this article once... When my spirits was tore and broken. My good pal then always said I was an angel with a broken wing. Then, I lived and strived on my sadness and brokeness. I was miserable but I guess that was my comfort zone. I was used to the pain. It is like an addiction. I know it's no good to me. I know it's killing me slowly but surely. But I need that pain, that agony, that helplessness...

Sand in my shoes... What can this be about?( I think most long-jump participants know this 'sand in my shoes' feeling.)

I used to be a 'long-jumper' in my primary school days. After practices, I will end up with at least 1/4 full of sand in my shoes. Normal people will remove the shoes and empty the shoes right? But guess I am pretty abnormal. I won't. I will just continue my daily life with these sand in my shoes. Attend lessons. Run after my bus,etc,etc. Then when I reach home, my Mum will watch in horror at the sand and asked me why didn't I remove it? Why? I don't know. My Mum says I am lazy. Perhaps. The act of removing the shoes, emptying it and put it on again tires me. I will rather live with the 1/4 full of sand. I am such a person. In all ways... incluing relationships.

Yup it is about relationships. About my love for a guy. A guy who broke my heart into thousand pieces and I broke his too. He was my sand in the shoes.

Daily, after he broke my heart, I stood around looking at the broken pieces, asking myself why, why,why did I leave him? In the beginnning I thought I would forget how to breathe. But I breathe daily. However I was sure I would die.At least I hope. I hope that I could sleep and never wake up again. Never to endure that pain and struggles again... Then the pain left and there were no more struggles. Time heals all wound. Or at least it appears. To the rest of the world, I have recovered. To them, I merely awaits the arrival of a best man. But is there anyone out there who understands? I do not want the best man, I merely want him, the bridegroom. For without anyone knowing, occasionally including myself, he was there, in my shoes. Causing me pain at the least expected moments. At the smell of the flowers, he sent me first time. At the places,we went to. At the songs that he played and sang... Actually at everything. He left footprints all over my life. But I kept the pain in my shoes.

If you are asking why didn't I empty my shoes again. Perhaps I could tell you I am lazy. I could tell you how difficult it was to remove shoes, emptied and put it on again. I could give you a million answers. But the one true answer is cos I love him... I was afraid if I lose the pain I will lose him too. So keeping the sand in my shoes is a better idea.

Why am I writing this now? My pal just broke up with her bf. I bet she has got sand in her shoes too. But I hope she would just remove the shoes and emptied it. Or else she might find removing embedded sand from her soles more painful. I know cos it happened to me...