What is your position?

Everyone plays games. Some are victims, others are villians, hence the rest will be judges.

My Mum is always the victim. Be it, towards her husband or children. The worst thing is I am very much like my Mum. Hence I am a victim too. I cannot communicate. I cannot tell others or rather the people who are hurting me they are hurting me. I cannot request them to stop. Cos somehow they can always turn it around and say it's my fault. Talks and requests always only make things worse. Hence I can only endure or risk making it worse. I cannot express fear. Or anger. Actually most of my emotions.

Therefore I always just try to avoid things.

I do not want to be a victim anymore. But sometimes I feel I am trapped.

This is like playing volleyball or perhaps any team sports. If you are a setter, do you think you can be a spiker? Do you know the rules, the techniques, the everything?

But I do not want to be a victim anymore.

And what is your position? Do you want to switch like me?

Maybe it is time

There will be a time in life whereby you leave your family and start your own. You will know when.

Most people is when they are starting their own family. But for others there are other ques.

Like you step on your Mum's feet every other way you turn. You anger her. You piss her. Or rather she thinks you are trying to corner her, make a fool of her, thinking of millions of ways to step on her.

Tell me, you know that it's time when these happen right? How do you ignore it? I had said and did many things, including smashing a bowl with green bean soup. I knew I should not have. I even tell myself, warn myself about the mess. But I did. The thing I hate most is when my Mum says I look down on her, belittle her, did not love her. But that is what she is saying everyday. Today as I was waking up, I overheard her conversation with my brother. She told him. I am trying to step on her with every possible chance.

Perhaps I did. Perhaps I should not have said things. Perhaps I should speak to her like my passengers. Perhaps I should applie my customer skills at home.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps... But one thing is certain. Should I move away and visit her weekly. Things will be easier. I will be able to service talk her.

It's time...

Divorce

Divorce, I believe, can be a reasonable thing to do. When you realise you no longer love your other half perhaps the better thing to do is to go your separate ways. And be adult about it.

But my parents's divorce is pretty ugly. They try to involve everyone possible. Everyone has to take side, make your stand. If you are not for me, then you are against.

They almost fought yesterday. And I did the darnest thing. I just screamed and screamed. I do not want to see they wrestle each other. Leave me some good memories. I do have some, you know.

My Mum keep saying that I was pushing her. I merely wanted to keep her away from him. I merely wanted to leave.

I was afraid. I was afraid that they will fight. And I have to take sides. But it's the same. My Mum will remember me pushing her. My Dad will recall me protect my Mum. Either ways, I took the wrong side.

Believe me, I wish that they both live a better life after the divorce.

Saddest moment

My brother's good friend from primary school fell out of love recently. I think he might be experiencing his saddest moment of his life. As he went through his, I tried to recall mine. I realised I could not really do it.

I have always wanted to watch a show called Chun Guang Za Xie. In the show, there is this belief that if you are able to travel to the edge of the world and relate (shout it out) your saddest moment there, you will be able to forget it. Hence the male lead travelled all the way there but when he reached there, he could only cry. And cry and cry.

I believe , you can never forget your saddest moment nor can you relate it. How can you live through it again. You survive it once but at the back of your mind you know you might not survive it again. And somehow I know my saddest moment structure me. It changes me a little and made me a stronger person. Like my youngest brother said if it does not kill me, it will strengthen me.

How do I say I love you?

Perhaps this is how - not questioning an act that the whole world is against or eager to comment/gossip/critise. Not pointing out that it's a sin (socially/politically or really), not even mentioning it. Not asking 'Are you ok'?, 'How are you'? or'You take care'... - cos he knows she is ok.



My Mum and I went to Malaysia to visit my Uncle over my off days. All I can say is I feel love all around me. My Uncle did not say I Love You to my Mum, he did not even sit down and have long talks with her. No lecture nor soft words. No words, just actions.

How do I say I love you? Perhaps you can do it best without using any words. Perhaps you can start by believing and trusting your loved one.Everyone makes mistakes so do not teach them what or how to do things. Just be there for them. Like my Uncle is there for my Mum.

To be frank, I dread going to Malaysia but I have to. Cos I want to thank my Uncle for being there for my Mum. My Mum's divorce provoke many mixed reactions from many different people. But his reaction touched me. My Mum cried after the phone conversation with him. We asked her what did he say. This is what - 'Come home...' . No questions, no doubts, no comforting or kind words. Just it brought comfort to my Mum... And to me...