I know...

We have differences... We are different...

But God knows we are trying. I don't know if you know... But I know you are trying. Very hard... You might be drowning. You might be struggling. But you are hanging on.... I know.

My Gal gal

I am sending my dog away... AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY... My dog is not an excellent dog. In fact it's very naughty but she adores me. She loves me. She follows me around. She is my dog...

She accompany th' all the nights and all the days that I am at home. She sleeps with me. When I open my eyes in the morning I see her beautiful eyes staring back at me... She waits on me. Even when I shower she waits patiently for me at the door. She dashes for me when I come home. She made my house more of a home to me...

But I am sending her away... Don't hate me, Wan wan...

This night

This night. This warm and humid night, I recall all the guys who liked me and all whom I liked. I recall all the relationships I had. I recall all the break ups.

And I wonder if they remember me. I wonder if they had ever missed me? I wonder if they had ever regret their actions? I wonder if they ever wish for a 2nd chance? I wonder if any one of them had tried to look for me?

And I wonder if they had ever on a warm and humid night wonder about all the wonders that I had.

I had miss some of them, thought of them sometimes but always (after letting go) wish the best for them. May God be with them...

ChongYan

I dreamt of ChongYan last night!

How are you, ChongYan? I miss you! Miss your wife. Your daughter. She is 3 or 4 this year? How many children do you have now?

I hope you are happy now, living a blissful life...

Missing tooth

Have you ever had a missing tooth?

Have you ever lost a piece of yourself? Have you ever felt that broken part of you?

I think losing a piece of yourself, feeling that broken part of you is like having a missing tooth. Losing something that you once had but always taking granted for. You can ever use your tongue to feel that gap in your gum. That evidence that it once existed...

And you can lose it one time cos they will have a 2nd chance. God always give you a 2nd chance. But you must treasure it for the 2nd time cos there will no longer be any replacement...

So for God's sake treasure everything in your life, or else you will have a missing tooth in your life...

The Unfair Talk

It had been a few days after that talk. I realised I have been unfair.

I know you must be under a lot of pressure these days. I know you must think that I am just picking on you, always ready with a fight.

The truth is I am sincere about us being together. I have been more difficult these days cos you see, this is who I am. Take me for who I am. And I am a very different person from you. I am chinese speaking. I speak very bad English. I am very long winded. I love to tell long stories and repeat them. And I am constantly defensive cos I wish that the people I love see me in a better light. But now I realised I am just forcing my way th'. Yes I speak very bad English. Yes I am long winded. Yes I keep repeating myself. Yes I am very lazy. Yes I am very messy. Yes I have no motivation. Yes yes I am not very much a person deserving love... But love me when I least deserve it... If you love me you will... If you can love and show compassion to an unknown person/student. If you can walk a person to the bus stop cos it's late and the alleys are dark, walk me... If you can spend time and effort on another person, you can do the same for me... But there is only 24 hrs...

You talk about having that Taipei trip together but 'not too much night markets'. I love night markets! You love computers but whenever you wonder into such a shop I wonder out. And I know you have been giving up training sessions for me.How long can we keep each other off the things we like?

I know nowadays you speak to me cautiously. Always afraid to say the wrong things. Actually I do that too. And sometimes I wonder when will we grow tired of these 'cautious talks'. Will you recall our phone conversations? Aren't they always the same? Wonder why?

And when you talk about Dawn... Your face lights up. You smile and you laugh... Can I do that? Bring smile to your face and laughter to your heart? I am Dawn Sim not Dawn Chin. Her surname is Chin right? Do not be blinded by your eyes. She might not be an angel to your eyes but perhaps to your heart...

I asked you how can we attained more common grounds. You said maybe I can be a teacher. Then why don't you be a steward. You like to travel too right? Then our every trip will be like a honeymoon... I know I am being unfair but you are too when you suggest that I should be a teacher... Why? Why? Why do we have so little to say, to talk, to wonder, to share? Where are all the common grounds?

I was upset on Sun cos you said you will pick me up at the airport. Which you did. But you brought your Mother too. If you cannot tell your Mum you need 'alone time' with your galfriend who will? Me?

I told you that I want to go for the dance class yesterday but you forgot. I tot I have never been to it so maybe I should go next week. Have you tot why? Do you really think it's to talk about Wan2? I can do that on the phone. I want to spend more time with you. But you went running alone. I figure out you needed time alone to think about how to handle Wan2's case. You didn't realise I was upset right? Cos I simmer down?But when I lie upon your lap why didn't you stroke my hair? Touch my face? Is that not allowed too? Sometimes I recalled WeiLi telling me 'whenever I see her, I want to touch her eyes... her nose... her mouth... her face...'. I laughed at him then but now I laugh at myself...

Are we in love? ...

Baby Cherie

My Friend, Lilian has given birth! To baby Cherie. Lovely baby. 4.07kg and 58cm -- big baby, way to go Lilian. Must be hard esp for a 1st child. I hope she is taking plenty rest. And I really wish to hold Baby Cherie soon.

Went to shop for some children clothes for her. Nearly went crazy. So many patterns, so many colours, so many choices but so little cash... Sigh, life is such. Guess this will be a joy of a mother too --shopping for the child, dressing her up.

Looking forward to meeting her. Holding her tiny feet, hands, body... Seeing Lilian's motherhood. :>

The Talk

We had a talk today. But by the end of it, I realised it's The Talk... Mel I have discovered the source and the root of all 'problems', all difficulties.

Maybe not all will agree with me, I have a hard life. I have. I struggle every month. I slog th' the days. The money in my bank are exchanged from the sweat upon my brows, the smiles even when I really want to say 'Fuck you'. I threw all the 'Fuck you' from my mind and train myself to fuck care. What to do when when life is a little fuck up?

So I think it's not too much to ask for a man who loves me, values me, adores me, appreciate me, pamper me. Actually all woman who respect themselves should find one. Like what Jason said 'It is not wrong for a woman to ask for a 'better life' and hence a better man...

I have this pain, this anger... which I can't put in words. But if you don't love me or rather don't love me enough, please don't hold my hand. Yes, I cant take it any longer. It's driving me crazy. You occupied the whole of my mind but I am just at the back of yours. I am holding on to you cos I am afraid of your tears. Mel for all that I do, I can never bear to see you cry. And it pains me to think of you being bully by Angeline.I hold you upon my palms but she just break your heart. I am afraid others will hurt you. So I am holding on to you. But you are hurting me... Breaking my heart to a million pieces when you say 'You just can't love me the way I do'. Why?

Munich

Watched Munich with YL tonight. We both agreed that it's a good show.

I am never really a historical or political person. I don't work well with facts. But Munich striked me cos I think it's a rather emotional show. Actually politicans play and toy with emotions. We can come up with the best plan, strategy but if someone mess with our emotions, we are goners. Be it the greatest politican or an ordinary person, we are just creatures with feelings. We all have a soft spot. Press on the right spot, we will be brought down to our knees.

Why are there terrorists? Izzit cos of the long-stuffered grieve? The unfair treatment? Skin colour? Race? Religion? I do not pity terrorists but I empathise with them. How will you react if you are brought up believeing that a certain group of people are evil and peace will return and things will take a turn for your people if you 'fight'. Many terroists know their fate. Death. But they have no fears for they are brought up to believe those are acts of a hero and their death will make a difference. Like one of the character in the Show 'Ali' said I will die but mt children will have children and my children will have children and we shall fight until we have a home.

Another thing I learnt from the show is never send a group of amateurs to do a professional work. In Munich a group of 5 'ordinary' people were chosen to kill 12 key figures involving the terrorist acts in 'Munich'. Everything they do is a give away that they are amateurs. They panicked, fumbled, fear the death of innocent people, were emotional, have fears, have doubts/struggles and felt gulity.

I was once told everyone strikes to be good. We do a wrong thing mostly cos of the situations or circumstances. This is very evident in Munich. All 5 set off ever ready to kill but soon doubts seep in. Cos they question am I doing the right thing. They want to be right, do the right things. But the question is what is the right?

I dreamt of Lucky

I dreamt of Lucky last night. And I cried when I wake up.

Tears well in my eyes whenever I recall Lucky...

Lucky is my beloved late dog. And I believe he is the best dog on earth. One and only...

But it's only until today that I realised why am I always sad when I recall LUcky. It's not cos Lucky is dead or has pass away or whatever. But cos I didn't give him that extra hug when I had the chance. That one or many short of whispers that I love him. That few missing strokes that would comfort him (Lucky towards his late years turn partially blind, then completely blind and a little deafness . His only connection to this world was th' us. Our touches, our whispers, our hugs.) I didn't cuddle him to bed when he was very sick. I knew he was. I even knew that he might not make it that time -- I told him 'Lucky, wait for Jiejie to come back'. Left for Mel on 25 and arrived in Sin on 27 Dec and I have lost him. But I know he tried to wait for his Jie jie. My Dad related to me on how Lucky struggled to get up (he couldn't walk during that time. He was too sick.), took a few steps (he was trying to look for his Jiejie), grasp for his last breathe and he went to Heaven... Even at the verge of his death, his main concern was us...

I am crying as I type these cos I didn't treasure Lucky, the best dog on Earth. I didn't hug him enough, love him enough, stroke him enough, cuddle him enough, play with him enough, accompany enough... I am crying cos it's too late...

So for Lucky's sake, give that person or whatever a hug today. Or whisper into his ears that you love him. Or jus sit with him by the door in silence, enjoying each other's company. For when it's too late the good memories burn and all you can do is cry...

I am the Victim

We all like to be viewed as the victims. I used to love to do that. Which is why I was forever sad and helpless. Best description for me.

Now I fully understand what Gage says 'Be a Bitch! Take charge of your life!'. Cos if you don't take charge of your life who will?

So stop being the victim and tell all the bullies in your life to 'F*** Off! And hear me roar'.

Just the same, if you don't love yourself who will?

You are all that I have got

The first time when my man told me that I melted. I forgave him for all his wrongs and a was willing to be the lifevest of a sinking man, not knowing that those were just words. The second time, I was doubtful but I gave in for I was blinded by emotions. I believed again...

Now at 30 I realised I won't be anyone's 'only thing'. Actually I might be the first few 'things' to be let go. I have never get the hang of the love game, it has always been more of a crying game to me. I am like Gage -- all the harsh words but no actions. And I forgive the person I love. Always. And they always take that as the best weapon to hurt me again and again. Whenever I encounter that I will remember the song 'Please forgive me' -- please forgive me for loving you so much.

So if your man does the same thing ask yourself 'are you giving him another chance to hurt you cos you love him'

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